Jokes & Funnies

[electric beach]

It's taken two days, but I've finally worked out what upset my wife on Valentines day. I asked he what she'd like, and she said she'd like something black and lacy in a size 10. Turns out she didn't mean football boots.

Bought my son an Ipad for his birthday and then an Ipod for my daughter for christmas. They both seemed rather chuffed so I bought the wife one of those new I-rons for Valentine's...

Didn't seem to have quite the same effect

[snuffbox]

I got a text today that read GANB.
I thought it was bang out of order.





Bloke in the supemarket reminded me of Michael Jackson.

He said "Don't forget about Michael Jackson"

[snuffbox]

Newcastle Taxi Fare

One rainy night in the Toon, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

" Walker Road " answered the woman.

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?”

"Well Pet, replied the driver, I canna help noticing that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,

"Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Have yer got nowt smaller pet?"

[snuffbox]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to
describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about
I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"



The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.

[Dominic Harper]

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.............


A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.


They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those w***ers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks.'



Natalie

[keiths]

Someone reminded me of this one today:

[snuffbox]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls

and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,

deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

she asked... 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

[Dominic Harper]

Banned from Sainsbury's



Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant???
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, I was starting theWinalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t really
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with the Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well andI was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's a**e and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it might be their laugh for the day.

Natalie

[snuffbox]

Police have raided Kermit the Frog's lily pad today and found hundreds of naked pictures of Miss Piggy...

A spokesman said.,
"It was the worst case of Frogs Porn they have ever seen..!!!"



(.)(.)+£=( . )( . )

[Reid Malenfant]

I thought the golf balls one was damn good to