Steve & Valerie
www.electricbeachaudio.com
If you think you know the answer already, you're not really searching
A plastic box, some glass bottles, two metal tins and some lengths of string
I got a text today that read GANB.
I thought it was bang out of order.
Bloke in the supemarket reminded me of Michael Jackson.
He said "Don't forget about Michael Jackson"
Bass Plonker
Newcastle Taxi Fare
One rainy night in the Toon, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
" Walker Road " answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?”
"Well Pet, replied the driver, I canna help noticing that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
"Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Have yer got nowt smaller pet?"
Bass Plonker
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to
describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about
I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.
Bass Plonker
Location: Preston, UK
Posts: 851
I'm Dominic.
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.............
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those w***ers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks.'
Natalie
Someone reminded me of this one today:
Keith
Analogue: Lenco L75 with 'PTP5' top plate in heavy birch ply plinth/re-wired Rega RB300/SAE 1000e HOMC Cartridge/Trans-Fi Reso-Mat/Moth RCM
Files: Voyage MPD/Custom PC/Supra USB/Beresford ASYNCH-1/Beresford TOSlink cable
CDP: Inca Katana SE
DAC: Beresford Caiman MkII (LiPo Battery powered)
Pre-Amp: Croft Micro 25 Power-Amp: Croft Series 7
Speakers: DIY Frugel-Horn Mk3 ('FH3') + REL Strata subwoofer
Headphones: Beyer Dynamics DT990 Pro (250 ohm)/Schiit Asgard Headphone Amp
Cables - Interconnects: Mark Grant G1000HD Speaker Cables: Van Damme Blue
Mains: Belkin PF30/Mark Grant DSP2.5 & DSP1.0 Rack: Target
Office System: HP Win8 Laptop/JRiver/MF V-Link2/Beresford Bushmaster MkII/Topping TP20 Mk2/Mission 771e
Bedroom System: Raspberry Pi/Raspbrian + MPD/HiFiBerry DAC/Topping TP20 Mk2/Mission 760i or DIY Hybrid Valve-MOSFET Headphone amp + Sennheiser HD595
Gallery
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked... 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
Bass Plonker
Location: Preston, UK
Posts: 851
I'm Dominic.
Banned from Sainsbury's
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant???
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, I was starting theWinalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t really
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with the Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well andI was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's a**e and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it might be their laugh for the day.
Natalie
Police have raided Kermit the Frog's lily pad today and found hundreds of naked pictures of Miss Piggy...
A spokesman said.,
"It was the worst case of Frogs Porn they have ever seen..!!!"
(.)(.)+£=( . )( . )
Bass Plonker
I thought the golf balls one was damn good to
Bests, Mark
"We must believe in free will. We have no choice" Isaac Bashevis Singer