Jokes & Funnies

[Mike]

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

[Mike]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling,
I was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".

[Mike]

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the
kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and
keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"

[Mike]

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

His wife replies "You've got a bigger todger than your brother"

[Mike]

There!

Now stop moaning you two!

[Filterlab]

Man these are good.

[Mike]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren"

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna” and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[Mike]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don'teven know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to standon to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.. What was the question?

[Mike]

Spiders on drugs.......

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1734043

[Mike]

I walked into B&Q and some guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.