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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #21
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norwich

    Posts: 463

    Default Scottish Joke

    Jock and Jimmy were feeling peckish so went into a baker's shop.

    "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?", asked Jock.

    "Och, no, y're nay wrang", said Jimmy, " it's a doughnut"

    (Think about it........)

  2. #22
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norwich

    Posts: 463

    Default Scottish Joke For The Ladies

    A young Scots lad comes home from school and exclaims to his mother

    "Mum, guess what! I've got a part in the school play".

    "That's fantastic", his mother exclaims with pride, " what part are you playing?"

    "I'm playing the part of the Scottish husband in this family drama", the lad said excitedly.

    "WHAT?", his mother blurted out, " how DARE they! Now you go straight back to your teacher tomorrow and tell him you want a speaking part!"

  3. #23
    Join Date: Feb 2008

    Location: North East UK

    Posts: 6,365
    I'm InSpace.

    Default

    I have found Marco on t'internet, he is here (ignore the bollocks about milk at the start):

    http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/147-monkey_looker


    Shian7
    --------------------------------------------------------

    Kudakutemo
    kudakutemo

    ari mizu-no tsuki

    Though it be be broken -
    broken again - still it's there:
    the moon on the water.

    - Choshu.

  4. #24
    Join Date: Feb 2008

    Location: North East UK

    Posts: 6,365
    I'm InSpace.

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Marco View Post
    S'up to you. If you want it we'll give it to you. Have a think. It might be a useful 'haven' in future

    Yes, the vote looks as if it's going that way. The poll closes at the end of today. I have the feeling Ashley and jc won't contribute on those terms, so IMO they're as good as gone, which is shame (although I know you won't agree).

    Marco.

    Oi!.... keep ya politics outa ma jokes thread!
    Shian7
    --------------------------------------------------------

    Kudakutemo
    kudakutemo

    ari mizu-no tsuki

    Though it be be broken -
    broken again - still it's there:
    the moon on the water.

    - Choshu.

  5. #25
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Wrexham, North Wales, UK

    Posts: 71,608
    I'm AudioAl'sArbiterForPISHANTO.

    Default Botty burps

    Check out Mr Methane!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M



    Marco.
    "A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do" -- Milan Kundera.

  6. #26
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Posts: 544

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Marco View Post
    Check out Mr Methane!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M



    Marco.
    Did he have a pair of ADM9's in his underpants

    Oh sorry couldn't resist it, of course the ADM9 can shi(f)t more air than that

    No really I don't mean it, though if the ADM9 ever had to clear it's throat I would get out of the firing line.

    Enough already before I poooo myself laughing:crowd:

    Really though the ADM9 is a great product almost as entertaining as Mr Methane so Ashley
    Last edited by WikiBoy; 23-03-2008 at 23:41.

  7. #27
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Mid Lincs

    Posts: 1,437
    I'm Buffet-blower.

    Default Vet School

    First-year students at a Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the carcass covered with a white sheet

    The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the backside of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' He told his students.

    The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
    Richard.

    Round & round bits: LP12/Cirkus/Kore/Herc II/Roksan Nima/Hana EL
    Megabits: MacBook/Sony CDP-X303ES/TEAC UD-H01 dac
    Making it louder bits: Phonostage: Dynavector P75 Amp: Cyrus 8vs/PSX-R Speakers: Royd Sintra II
    Connecting it together bits i/c's: Flashback Premier. Speaker cables: Van Damme Hifi

  8. #28
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norwich

    Posts: 463

    Default Funny Ha Ha and Funny Peculiar

    I have heard this before, GROMIT, but it's still a good one. My lady wiffie was highly tickled by it. I was beginning to think I had an odd bent on humour.

    Must post another, being so encouraged.

    What noise emanates from treading on a grape?

    A little whine. (almost at cracker joke level)


    A pensioner, in bed with his wife, hears the door-bell ring late at night. He chooses to ignore it, but his wife insists that he finds out who it is.

    He goes to the front door, opens it and is confronted by an Irishman, slightly the worse for wear, who says " "Evenin' sor. Sorry t' trouble yous, but can ye give us a push?"

    The pensioner slams the door and stomps up to bed.

    "Who was that, dear?" his wife asks.

    "Some drunken Irishman asking for a push; at THIS time of night", he replied

    "But my dear, he could have his family with him in the car, and they could be tired and hungry, etc, etc...." his wife admonished.

    So he goes down again and opens the front door and peers out into the foggy night. "Hullo there" he shouts, again and again.

    Just about to turn back inside, he hears a voice a short distance away.

    "Please give us a push, sor".

    "Where are you?" shouted the householder.

    "Over here, on your swing", came the reply.

  9. #29
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Mid Lincs

    Posts: 1,437
    I'm Buffet-blower.

    Default

    Nag nag nag...

    A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

    His last minute plea for clemency to the judge had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'...and on and on and on.....

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said, to which he whirled around and screamed,

    'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP'??
    Richard.

    Round & round bits: LP12/Cirkus/Kore/Herc II/Roksan Nima/Hana EL
    Megabits: MacBook/Sony CDP-X303ES/TEAC UD-H01 dac
    Making it louder bits: Phonostage: Dynavector P75 Amp: Cyrus 8vs/PSX-R Speakers: Royd Sintra II
    Connecting it together bits i/c's: Flashback Premier. Speaker cables: Van Damme Hifi

  10. #30
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norwich

    Posts: 463

    Default Gromit

    Ho! Ho!

    Took me a minute, though!. Nice and subtle.

    Does anybody else on this forum read these, or are we a two-man band?

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