Jokes & Funnies

[Beechwoods]

I'll leave it to Snopes to sift the truth from the fiction http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/ford.asp

[The Grand Wazoo]

Jokes & Funnies is getting worryingly close to the bottom of the Abstract Chat page, folks.
Pull your socks up................

Here's the best one I've heard in ages............................
Vernon the Vampire bat came flapping into the cave out from the cold dark night, and he was covered in fresh ................dripping...........blood.
So he found himself a quiet spot & parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep, cause he was shagged out & knackered on account of being tired.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he'd got it from.
Vernon kept yelling at them "Piss off, I'm tired let me get some sleep"

However, they persisted until finally Vernon gave in.

"Okay then, you bastards follow me," ......he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bloodthirsty bats streaming behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a deep.....dark....forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly flitted around him.

"Now then you guys".............. .whispered Vernon....................

..............do you see that tree over there?"

"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a blood-frenzy.

"GOOD," shouted Vernon, "BECAUSE I f***ing DIDN'T".

[Alan]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish or Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the
Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around
us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

[Alan]

Shouldn't be funny - but it is!

[The Grand Wazoo]

Bloke wanders out of a pub a few minutes before kicking out time. He’s singing loudly and walking extremely erratically, constantly tripping up on his own feet. Every now & then he makes erratic gestures to accompany the words of the song he’s slurring.

He makes his way over to a car parked on the other side of the road & fumbles with his keys. He tries them in the lock of the passenger door, drops them on the ground & falls over when he tries to pick them up.

By this time the pub is kicking out its patrons.

He gets in his car and immediately puts the wipers on & bips the horn to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March. Trying to pull away, he can’t get out of his parking space because he inches forward only half an inch at a time, before he reverses 1 inch back & hits the kerb. After 10 minutes all the other cars in the street have gone, so he can get going without fear of hitting anyone else’s car. He drives off, with the wipers going & hazards flashing.

Suddenly, a police car pulls out of the shadows, siren going & blue lights flashing. He pulls over & the bobby comes to the window, saying “Excuse me sir, I have reason to believe you are driving while under the influence of alcohol.”

The guy says, “That’s ridiculous, I haven’t had a drink all night, I don’t understand what you’re talking about”
The policeman pulls out a breathalyser & asks him to blow into it.

It shows he’s sober, so the bobby says he can’t understand it, the equipment seems to be faulty & he’ll have to come down to the station with him for a blood test.

The driver says, “I don’t think that’ll do you much good, officer”

“And why is that sir?” Replies the bobby.

“……………..Well you see, tonight I was nominated as the designated decoy”

[The Grand Wazoo]

The Washington Post asked readers to take a word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, removing, or changing a letter, and give it a new definition.

A bit like one of the rounds in 'I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue' really.........

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

[Beechwoods]

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

I know that one well

[The Grand Wazoo]

I know that one well

But which side of the gulf are you on?(!!)

[Beechwoods]

Eh? You startin a fight

[The Grand Wazoo]

Eh? You startin a fight

A fight?????

Erm.........well, I don't relish the thought of another one of those for a while thanks. As you know, the last one I got myself into got broken up by teacher!