Jokes & Funnies

[prestonchipfryer]

Must watch documentary tonight on BBC2 about Covid, 9.00pm.

Two brothers from the Wuhan Research Centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on a flight that crashed in mysterious circumstances.

Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain and intended to use it as a weapon. Someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though.

Should be really interesting.

Have a look at it, it's called Two Wongs Don't Make a Flight.

[struth]

Must watch documentary tonight on BBC2 about Covid, 9.00pm.

Two brothers from the Wuhan Research Centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on a flight that crashed in mysterious circumstances.

Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain and intended to use it as a weapon. Someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though.

Should be really interesting.

Have a look at it, it's called Two Wongs Don't Make a Flight.

Your name will go on the list... What is it?

[system7]

I thought that was pretty funny:

Donald is walking out of the Whitehouse and heading towards his limo , when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun

A secret service agent , new on the job shouts - 'Mickey Mouse'

This startles the would- be assassin and he is captured .

Later the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks - ' what the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse ?'

Blushing ,the agent replies - ' I got nervous , I meant to shout - 'Donald , Duck '

We've got a new Restaurant just around the corner.

It's called "The Church".

The FOOD is terrible, but the SERVICE is great.

[Oddball]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

[system7]

Shall I tell the Engineer's Joke?

Come on, let's give it a go.

An Engineer dies and goes to Heaven.

St. Peter is wating at the Pearly Gates. Unfortunately, due to an administrative error, he can't find the Engineer's name on his clipboard.

The Engineer gets sent to Hell.

He finds a goodish career in Hell.

Stoking up the Fires, sharpening the pitchforks, oiling the escalators. Hell becomes significantly more efficient for the torment of the doomed. Old Nick is pleased with his profits performance.

God however is unhappy. Threatens to sue Old Nick. "My Lawyers will be in touch".

Yah, says Old Nick, and "Where you going to get a Lawyer?"

[Firebottle]

One of the funniest videos I have seen of late.

[system7]

That was flippin' hilarious!

I happen to own the book of "Politically Correct Bedtime Stories". I just bought it on a whim.

The Three Little Pigs is in it.

I won't go into it too much, but the closing note is this:

Please note: The Wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing of this story.

[system7]

Here's a cracker, albeit a long read, but it will repay you, I assure:

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."

[system7]

Two nuns are out in the Woods. Gathering mushrooms or something.

They notice some terrible pervert stalking them.

They decide it might be wise to get back to the Convent. These are virtuous Catholic girls.

They quicken their pace back to the Convent. But the pervert seems to be catching them up.

After a while they decide it is looking hopeless.

Sister Smart says to Sister Dumb, "It might be wise if we split up."

That way only one of us gets caught.

Off they go in different directions.

Sister Dumb makes it back to the Convent. She is worried about Sister Smart.

But miraculously Sister Smart makes it back soon after.

"What happened ?" says Sister Dumb.

"Well" says Sister Smart, "That perv was catching up with me. So i did the only thing a girl can do in that situation and lifted my skirt. He dropped his trousers."

"I then ran back to the Convent. Because a girl lifting her skirt can outrun a man with his trousers dropped!"

And you thought this was going to be a dirty story!

Say two Hail Marys!

[system7]

Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his louse to Santa?

A deep level of humour there.

Most folks wont get it.