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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1151
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 14,587
    I'm Steve.

    Default

    A policeman, while driving home across the moors, saw this dodgy-looking man walking along the road with a shotgun and a holdall, and decided to 'have a word'.

    "What's in the bag, son?"

    "Oh just something for tea"

    "Let's have a look. Shit, is that a Golden Eagle?"

    "Yeah I know it's illegal, but these are hard times, and I do what I have to, to put food on the table".

    "Be that as it may, you are under arrest".

    On the way back to the station the copper says, "I've got to ask, what does Golden Eagle taste like?"

    "Well, it's a bit like Swan".

  2. #1152
    Join Date: Nov 2011

    Location: Newcastle UK

    Posts: 3,745
    I'm Rich.

    Default

    Just got a new aftershave which smells like lard, breadcrumbs and worms.

    The birds bloody love it...
    One of these days... I'm going to cut you into little pieces.

  3. #1153
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norwich

    Posts: 1,064
    I'm Mike.

    Default

    It was January '82 during a week-long white-out that we decided to take the children and their ailing grandfather sledging. Because he suffered from cold, we rubbed lard all over him. He went downhill pretty fast after that.

  4. #1154
    Join Date: Apr 2011

    Location: Surrey

    Posts: 4,162
    I'm Mike.

    Default

    Wonderful !

    TAD CD / DAC / Pre, Technics 1210, MCRU PSU, Mike New Bearing & Platter, Stillpoints LP1 weight, Speedy Steve Ebony armboard, Fidelity Research FR64FX arm, Ortofon SPU. Aurorasound VIDA Phono Pre Amp, TAD Power Amp, TAD E1 speakers. Coherent RTZ 3 Grounding box, Coherent grounding cables, Creaktiv racks. Coherent Mains Cables. SR Blue Fuse. Interconnects : Coherent and Yannis 223.5 Connect Litz. Coherent speaker cable. Audio Magic Transcendence Conditioner. Coherent mains socket. Mains Filters : , PS Audio Harvesters, Russ Andrews Purifiers, Tacima, Vertex. Black Ravioli and RDC supports. Electric Beach S1NX platforms for TAD CD and Technics. Ferrite chokes everywhere except the above. Ears, brain

    Mike

  5. #1155
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norwich

    Posts: 1,064
    I'm Mike.

    Default

    Thank you, Mike. The first since 2008 (I'm still shown on the first pages here; can't believe it !). I've a list of one-liners which I'll post here from time to time, including now.

    My neighbour's dog only responds to commands in Spanish.

    However, he is Espanol.


    Qu. Which major London rail terminus was and is used by Billingsgate to transport lobsters, crabs, etc. to Balmoral, Sandringham and similar royal places?

    Ans. Kings Crustacean

  6. #1156
    Join Date: Apr 2011

    Location: Surrey

    Posts: 4,162
    I'm Mike.

    Default


    Good, sledging very good
    TAD CD / DAC / Pre, Technics 1210, MCRU PSU, Mike New Bearing & Platter, Stillpoints LP1 weight, Speedy Steve Ebony armboard, Fidelity Research FR64FX arm, Ortofon SPU. Aurorasound VIDA Phono Pre Amp, TAD Power Amp, TAD E1 speakers. Coherent RTZ 3 Grounding box, Coherent grounding cables, Creaktiv racks. Coherent Mains Cables. SR Blue Fuse. Interconnects : Coherent and Yannis 223.5 Connect Litz. Coherent speaker cable. Audio Magic Transcendence Conditioner. Coherent mains socket. Mains Filters : , PS Audio Harvesters, Russ Andrews Purifiers, Tacima, Vertex. Black Ravioli and RDC supports. Electric Beach S1NX platforms for TAD CD and Technics. Ferrite chokes everywhere except the above. Ears, brain

    Mike

  7. #1157
    Join Date: Oct 2008

    Location: Glasgowshire

    Posts: 9,656
    I'm Gary.

    Default

    guy with 5 penises...His pants fit him like a glove.
    AC POWER
    Hardwired 10kVA balanced mains powering entire system
    AMPS
    Meridian 557 power Amp (Modded) / PS Audio BHK Preamp (Modded)
    SPEAKERS
    Wharfedale Evo 4.4
    DAC
    PS Audio Directstream (Modded)
    TURNTABLE
    Pro-Ject X8 balanced output via XLR / Ortofon Quintet Blue cartridge
    PHONOSTAGE
    Pro-Ject DS3 B balanced Input (TT and Phonostage powered by Pro-Ject Power box RS2 linear psu)
    DIGITAL
    OPPO 203 (Modded: Linear PSU, i2s output to Dac) - Roon Endpoint, HDMI input used for all things Streaming/ PS5 /AppleTV ... also good for movies apparently?
    MUSIC PLAYBACK
    Tweaked AP-Linux based Roon Server into Oppo 203 as Roon endpoint
    Ipad Roon Remote.
    Apple Music/ YouTube via AppleTV, fed to Dac via Oppo HDMI input/i2s output to Dac.
    SPEAKER CABLES
    Biwired: Duelund DCA10GA (Bass) Duelund DCA16GA (mid & treble) Duelund 12DCA used as jumpers (On
    "Blackcat Cable" Chris Sommivigo's advice - yup, even with biwire it sounds better - and it does)
    INTERCONNECTS
    All Balanced: Ghost+ recording studio XLR cables

  8. #1158
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norwich

    Posts: 1,064
    I'm Mike.

    Default

    My wife doesn't think I can mend the electric shower. Well, she's in for a shock !

    What happens if the universe explodes? No matter !

    The man who invented the brolly in the nineteenth century initially called it the 'brella'. Unfortunately, however, he hesitated.

  9. #1159
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Central Virginia

    Posts: 1,736
    I'm Russell.

    Default

    Somewhere in Nashville Tennessee, a woman walked into a tattoo parlor and asked the artist if he could tattoo a picture of Elvis’s face on the inside of her thigh. He said, “Sure no problem, I promise it’ll look exactly like him!”. So, he gets in there and tattoos for a few hours. He claims he’s done and holds up a mirror. The woman is irate! “That doesn’t look anything like Elvis! You’ve ruined me!”, to which he replies, “it looks just like him! You just don’t want to pay!”. So they argue for a while, until he suggests, “I’ll do another Elvis’s face on your other thigh, and this time it’ll look exactly like him!”, so the woman agrees.

    He worked for hours! And very proud of himself he hands her the mirror and she says, “ that is worse than the first one! You’ve ruined me for life! That doesn’t look anything like Elvis!”, and again he claims it does and she doesn’t want to pay! So, at a standstill, he suggests they get a third opinion, and what he says goes. So she agrees. The Tattoo artist looks outside and there is a wino hanging on a lamp post right out front. He says, “Hey Mister! Come here, I’ve got something I want you to see.”, so the man comes in. The artist tells him, “look at those tattoos and tell me who they look like.”. So the old drunk staggers over, and gets a really close look, going back and forth. And he proclaims, “I don’t know who those two guys on the ends are, but the one in the middle looks like Willy Nelson!”

    Russell

  10. #1160
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

    Default

    Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

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