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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1141
    Join Date: Nov 2011

    Location: Harold Hill, Romford, Essex

    Posts: 4,985
    I'm charming.

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  2. #1142
    Join Date: Feb 2013

    Location: W Lothian

    Posts: 43,935
    I'm Grant.

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    its a funny feeling being older than your dad
    Regards,
    Grant ....

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply-doesn't-work
    .... ..... ...... ...... ................... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....
    OPPO BDP-103D DARBEE - JBE SERIES 3/M55E/EMOTIVA XPS1 - TWIN PRO MONOBLOCK AMPLIFIERS - XIANG SHENG DAC\PRE\HEADPHONE AMP - TWIN AVANTREE OASIS CLASS 1 BLUETOOTHS - AUDIO TECHNICA ATH-MSR7 & OPPO PM-3 PLANAR HEADPHONES - WIN10 JRIVER24, DEEZER HiFi - SMSL M6 MINIDAC - RPI/AUDIOPHONICS - FULL RANGE TWIN TELEFUNKEN/Q ACOUSTIC BT3/CANTON SUB - P.INSPIRED MAINS REGENERATED.

  3. #1143
    Join Date: Oct 2015

    Location: Pulborough, West Sussex, UK

    Posts: 765
    I'm Ian.

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    My stuff; Toshiba SR-370/Mission 774 /Ortofon Quintet Black, Cambridge CXC CD transport/Musical Fidelity X DAC/Musical Fidelity X10v3 tube buffer, Musical Fidelity A3, Nakamichi CA-5E pre amp, Acoustic Solutions FM/DAB tuner, Mordaunt Short Signifer, Klotz MC5000/MS audio, NVA LS5

  4. #1144
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 688
    I'm Geoffrey.

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    A teacher asked her class to name something that ends with 'tor' that eats things.

    The first little boy Timmy says, "Alligator, miss".

    "Very good, that's a big word."

    The second boy William says, "Predator, miss".

    "Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

    Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, miss."

    After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

    Little Johnny says, "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"




    Almost 40 years together and my Wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush!



    So if any of you knows of another way to get dog poo out of trainers I'm all ears?


    As I put another log on the fire last night, I thought.......

    Really must get this bloody toilet fixed!


    History celebrates Emily Davison, the suffragette who threw herself under the King's horse at the Derby in 1913.

    Sadly, no-one remembers Mr Davison, who had to make his own tea that evening.


    A bloke goes to a supermarket checkout with 1 egg, 1 sausage, 1 tomato and 1 mushroom.
    Checkout lass asks him whilst she is serving him "Do you by any chance live alone" ?
    Bloke replies "no, but why do you ask" ?
    Checkout lass replies "because your such an ugly fcu%er "

  5. #1145
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 1,913
    I'm Anto.

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    James Bond is laid off and at the job centre, there are only two jobs available, one in a call centre and the other in a fabric colouring plant.

    "Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

    "No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  6. #1146
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 716
    I'm Steve.

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    Sam the snail wanted to be an Olympic runner. He thought he might go quicker by discarding his shell, but it just made him more sluggish.

  7. #1147
    Join Date: Oct 2012

    Location: The Black Country

    Posts: 4,120
    I'm Alan.

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    That's awful, but funny.

  8. #1148
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Southampton, United Kingdom

    Posts: 502
    I'm Paul.

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    This came from British bluesman Aynsley Lister on social media




    A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

    The judge says, "First offender?"

    She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

    Linn Sondek LP12, Ittok, AT-F7 > Musical Fidelity XLPS v3 Phono Stage
    Sony CDP-XE520 CD Player > SMSL Sanskrit DAC
    Pure DAB tuner
    Tisbury Mk.1 pre-amp > 2 x Meridian 205 monoblock power amps > Linn Kan mk.ii speakers on Kan stands and I'm about to do a handstand
    Grado SR80 headphones

    www.paulridgeblog.com

  9. #1149
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 716
    I'm Steve.

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    one day, a zebra was walking through the grasslands, and he came across a dead lion, with a monkey sat on top of it.

    The zebra said, Hey monkey, did you kill that lion?"

    "Yes I did, quite impressive eh?"

    "What did you kill it with?"

    "My club."

    "Wow, it must be a big club."

    "Yeah, there's about 120 of us."

  10. #1150
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Central Virginia

    Posts: 914
    I'm Russell.

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    Late in the day a woman answers the door, and it’s her husband’s boss from the distillery where he worked. The boss says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but your husband died on the job today, he drowned in the vat of liquor.”,
    “I hope he didn’t suffer”, she said, and the boss said, “I don’t think so, we pulled him out 3 times!”.

    Russell

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