Jokes & Funnies

[Ian7633]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[MikeMusic]

How do you milk sheep?


Bring out a new iphone and charge a £1000 for it.

Oh yes !

[Oddball]

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop.
She loved the job but was very shy about having to sell condoms to customers.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
'Look' he said 'My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned'.

The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said '350 please'

The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

'Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs' her boss told her.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
'
Yes!!' she shouted down the phone 'he's got one hanging there!!'



The boss replied 'Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner'!!

[mr sneff]

If Hans Zimmer covered a King Crimson song it would have to be Frame by Frame

[tapid]

Elderly man reaches beyond the grave and contacts his late wife. What did she say his friend asks eagerly, nothing says the old man
we did nt talk for the last 20 years of our lives !

[Techno Commander]

[walpurgis]

This made me laugh:

https://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/revocation.asp

[Barry]

This made me laugh:

https://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/revocation.asp

Yes me too, despite some factual errors.

[mr sneff]

[alphaGT]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Great stuff! I can’t wait to pass this around!


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