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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1061
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 31,853
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

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    Love it!
    Barry

  2. #1062
    Join Date: Sep 2014

    Location: Northern Ireland

    Posts: 1,403
    I'm John.

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    I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

  3. #1063
    Join Date: May 2016

    Location: Notts

    Posts: 2,741
    I'm Geoff.

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    Quote Originally Posted by anthonyTD View Post
    great, made me laugh anyway, any more???
    On a similar theme:

    Nottingham Fish and Chip shop: "The Cod's Scallops"!

    Family Carpet Fitters: "Walter Wall Carpets"!

    Geoff

  4. #1064
    Join Date: Sep 2014

    Location: Northern Ireland

    Posts: 1,403
    I'm John.

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    I dreamt I'd written The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. My wife told me I was Tolkien in my sleep.

  5. #1065
    Join Date: Sep 2014

    Location: Northern Ireland

    Posts: 1,403
    I'm John.

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    Bought my friend a fridge for Christmas. Should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

  6. #1066
    Join Date: Apr 2012

    Location: N E Kent

    Posts: 51,624
    I'm Geoff.

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    Many years ago, I married a widow, who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorisation.
    As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
    As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Also, it appears that I am my wife's grandchild.
    A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
    In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the answer to the following query: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefit?
    It is impossible for anything digital to sound analogue, because it isn't analogue!

  7. #1067
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    I got mugged at the station yesterday and when I went to help with a photofit ID it came out looking just like me.
    The policeman asked me where I was at 5pm yesterday. I told him I was at the station.
    He said, "This isn't looking good for you..."
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  8. #1068
    Join Date: Sep 2015

    Location: Lincolnshire

    Posts: 17
    I'm David.

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    There was a blind skunk who fell in love with a fart.
    Equal rights for equal responsibilities.
    Equal opportunities for equal abilities.

  9. #1069
    Join Date: Mar 2008

    Location: Galashiels

    Posts: 13,669
    I'm inthescottishmafia.

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    “Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of fuel. Sentimental people call it inspiration, but what they really mean is fuel. I have always needed fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio”

    Hunter S Thompson

  10. #1070
    Join Date: Sep 2014

    Location: brighton uk.

    Posts: 4,737
    I'm jamie.

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    How many audiophiles does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just 1, but it takes over 100 to comment about how much better the original bulb is.
    My System
    John Wood KT88 Amp.
    Paradise Phono Stage
    Sony TTS-8000 Turntable.
    PMAT-1010 MK6 Tonearm.
    Ortofon Cadenza Bronze
    Sony X555ES Cd Player
    Yamaha NS1000m Speakers

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