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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1051
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

    Default

    Abe Cohen visits Poland to trace his family roots. Returning to their home town he recognises places from his late grandfather's many stories and wanders for hours imagining how things must have been when they formed a ghetto.

    His grandfather told how, when forced to flee, they only had time to take what they could carry. A few personal items and the clothes they wore was all and he always regretted not collecting his best shoes from the local cobbler. They had been his wedding shoes and held great sentimental value not to mention they'd been expensive already.

    Spotting a small shop in an alley he investigated. Peering through the grimy window he spied a dark and dusty interior. Shelves housed dozens of pairs of shoes bearing hand-written tags with the owners names. An old man hunched over a bench at the rear, his mouth full of tacks he tapped away with a small hammer. Surely not? Could this be the place which his his grandfather had described so many times over the decades?

    The door tinkled as he entered and Abe approached the counter. Without looking up from his work the old cobbler asked "Vot do you vant?". Abe told his family's story as the man tapped away and finished by asking if he'd known his grandfather. At this the cobbler paused, tilting his head slightly. "Black Oxford brogues?" he asked "Size nine and a half, slight vear on the left heel vere the owner turns their foot out ven they valk?". Absolutely amazed Abe could only answer in a voice choked with hope and emotion "Yes........er, yes! That's them!".

    "They'll be ready Vednesday"
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  2. #1052
    Join Date: Feb 2016

    Location: yorkshire

    Posts: 61
    I'm terry.

    Default extreme poverty

    When i were nobut a lad,we wer very poor. as wer all folk on t'estate, every lad ad sum sort on a job to adle a bob or two.
    I workt for a farmer, bottlin an delivrin t'milk evry day fer ten bob i'week
    wen i getn ter be foteen farmer sez he's banner teech me to plough,ah wer reyt proud.
    He sez "av started up in top field, an left tracter there redy,cum at six i mornin an we'al walk up for a days plowin
    nahthen it wer a gud two mile t'top field up a windin cuntry lane
    wen we wes half way theer i needed a crap reyt urgent'
    Farmer sez " nubdy stirring, hop over wall inta field,all keep watch.
    So i gets ovver t'wall, drops me keks an squats dahn'
    Ad just i started thruchin when i heerd this noise like sumdy kissin."pwew pwew pwew".
    I ups we me keks an sez to farmer "ah thowt tha wha watchin owt."
    He sez " thers nubdy here,get on wi job else nowt al be done wi plowin
    Am cronked dahn agin an same thing appens "pwew pwew pwew".
    Farmer sez "bluddy ell ahl cum over t'wall an keep watch on your side"
    Am cronked dahn agin an same appens, pwew pwew pwew.
    I sez "did thow harken that"
    Farmer wer laffin fit t'brussen, an sez "wen wer last time tha downd a gud meal"
    Ah sez "couple of days ago"
    Farmer sez " thats wot noise is, thi arse is nibblin grass.

  3. #1053
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

    Default Friends

    Extract from my friends Facebook page -

    Today I had a bit of a grin.
    As I sat in the JCB this morning waiting to load some soil, I got a notification that I had 3 Facebook Friends Requests.
    Two were friends of friends and followers of my Youtbe channel but the other was from what appeared to be a stunning blonde female individual.
    Now, I guessed she wasn't an avid fan of old shyte or associated JCB's or tractors so I could see no reason why she would want to befriend me other than her being one of the rake of current click-Bate sex scams from Eastern Europe. However, as I was in a bit of a mischievous mood, I decided to play along.
    I accepted her friends request and almost immediately I had a Messenger chat box appear from her. And this is how it went:
    Her: Hi, how are you ?
    Me: Alright.
    Her: I'm great thanks ! Where do you live ?
    Me: Bolloxsville.
    Her: Where is that ?
    Me: Top end of the Khyber Pass.
    Her: Oh, I've never been there is it in England ?
    Me: Yes
    Her: Oh great I'm from Manchester.
    Me: Is that near London ?
    Her: Yes not far away. Are you alone at the moment ?
    Me: Yes
    Her: I am also alone. I have just been in the shower.
    Me: Lovely. The water was still cold when I got up so I had a Mud Out instead.
    Her: You should have a shower if you are covered in mud lol.
    Me: Not quite, carry on.
    Her: Do you know what I'm doing now ?
    Me: Changing the oil in your pickup ?
    Her: Lol no I am touching myself. I am stroking my pussy. Do you like pussies ?
    Me: No.
    Her: Oh why not ?
    Me: Because the last one scratched and then bit me.
    Her: Lol no not that kind of pussy. My pussy is soft and warm.
    Me: So was this one but it still got my boot up its shitter.
    Her: My pussy likes to be stroked and touched It feels so good.
    Me: This one used to hiss and its breath stank of fish - Is that like your pussy?
    Apparently we are no longer 'Friends' on Facebook......
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  4. #1054
    Join Date: Feb 2013

    Location: W Lothian

    Posts: 99,005
    I'm Grant.

    Default

    mischievous as aye Anto..
    Regards,
    Grant .... ؠ ......Don't be such a big girl's blouse

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply-doesn't-work
    .... ..... ...... ...... ................... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....
    FIIO K7 BT, M11 PLUS, BTR7, KA5 - OPPO BDP-103D - PANASONIC UB450 - PANASONIC 4K ULTRA HD TV - PIXEL 6 - AVANTREE LR BLUETOOTH - 2* X600 SOUNDCORE - HEADPHONES INCLUDE, FIIO, NURAPHONES', FOCAL, OPPO, BOSE, CAMBRIDGE, BOWER & WILKINS, DEVIALET, MARSHALL, SONY, MITCHELL & JOHNSTON - 2*ZBOOK'S- MERCURY BD ROM, ROON, QOBUZ, TIDAL, PLEX, CYBERLINK, JRIVER - MULTI HDD'S -

    Oh my god! There's nothing wrong with the bidet is there?

    “Nothing discloses real character like the use of power. It is easy for the weak to be gentle. Most people can bear adversity. But if you wish to know what a man really is, give him power. This is the supreme test. It is the glory of Lincoln that, having almost absolute power, he never abused it, except on the side of mercy".

    “You see these dictators on their pedestals, surrounded by the bayonets of their soldiers and the truncheons of their police ... yet in their hearts there is unspoken fear. They are afraid of words and thoughts: words spoken abroad, thoughts stirring at home -- all the more powerful because forbidden -- terrify them. A little mouse of thought appears in the room, and even the mightiest potentates are thrown into panic.”

    "You don't have free will. You have the appearance of free will.”

    “There's a war out there, old friend. A world war. And it's not about who's got the most bullets. It's about who controls the information. What we see and hear, how we work, what we think... it's all about the information!”


    ***SMILE, BE HAPPY***

  5. #1055
    Join Date: Feb 2013

    Location: W Lothian

    Posts: 99,005
    I'm Grant.

    Default

    has he done anymore with his film?
    Regards,
    Grant .... ؠ ......Don't be such a big girl's blouse

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply-doesn't-work
    .... ..... ...... ...... ................... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....
    FIIO K7 BT, M11 PLUS, BTR7, KA5 - OPPO BDP-103D - PANASONIC UB450 - PANASONIC 4K ULTRA HD TV - PIXEL 6 - AVANTREE LR BLUETOOTH - 2* X600 SOUNDCORE - HEADPHONES INCLUDE, FIIO, NURAPHONES', FOCAL, OPPO, BOSE, CAMBRIDGE, BOWER & WILKINS, DEVIALET, MARSHALL, SONY, MITCHELL & JOHNSTON - 2*ZBOOK'S- MERCURY BD ROM, ROON, QOBUZ, TIDAL, PLEX, CYBERLINK, JRIVER - MULTI HDD'S -

    Oh my god! There's nothing wrong with the bidet is there?

    “Nothing discloses real character like the use of power. It is easy for the weak to be gentle. Most people can bear adversity. But if you wish to know what a man really is, give him power. This is the supreme test. It is the glory of Lincoln that, having almost absolute power, he never abused it, except on the side of mercy".

    “You see these dictators on their pedestals, surrounded by the bayonets of their soldiers and the truncheons of their police ... yet in their hearts there is unspoken fear. They are afraid of words and thoughts: words spoken abroad, thoughts stirring at home -- all the more powerful because forbidden -- terrify them. A little mouse of thought appears in the room, and even the mightiest potentates are thrown into panic.”

    "You don't have free will. You have the appearance of free will.”

    “There's a war out there, old friend. A world war. And it's not about who's got the most bullets. It's about who controls the information. What we see and hear, how we work, what we think... it's all about the information!”


    ***SMILE, BE HAPPY***

  6. #1056
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

    Default

    Sorry Grant ,I was out!!
    Not as far as I know
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  7. #1057
    Join Date: Feb 2013

    Location: W Lothian

    Posts: 99,005
    I'm Grant.

    Default

    no bother.. was watching his Navara Review earlier today.
    Regards,
    Grant .... ؠ ......Don't be such a big girl's blouse

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply-doesn't-work
    .... ..... ...... ...... ................... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....
    FIIO K7 BT, M11 PLUS, BTR7, KA5 - OPPO BDP-103D - PANASONIC UB450 - PANASONIC 4K ULTRA HD TV - PIXEL 6 - AVANTREE LR BLUETOOTH - 2* X600 SOUNDCORE - HEADPHONES INCLUDE, FIIO, NURAPHONES', FOCAL, OPPO, BOSE, CAMBRIDGE, BOWER & WILKINS, DEVIALET, MARSHALL, SONY, MITCHELL & JOHNSTON - 2*ZBOOK'S- MERCURY BD ROM, ROON, QOBUZ, TIDAL, PLEX, CYBERLINK, JRIVER - MULTI HDD'S -

    Oh my god! There's nothing wrong with the bidet is there?

    “Nothing discloses real character like the use of power. It is easy for the weak to be gentle. Most people can bear adversity. But if you wish to know what a man really is, give him power. This is the supreme test. It is the glory of Lincoln that, having almost absolute power, he never abused it, except on the side of mercy".

    “You see these dictators on their pedestals, surrounded by the bayonets of their soldiers and the truncheons of their police ... yet in their hearts there is unspoken fear. They are afraid of words and thoughts: words spoken abroad, thoughts stirring at home -- all the more powerful because forbidden -- terrify them. A little mouse of thought appears in the room, and even the mightiest potentates are thrown into panic.”

    "You don't have free will. You have the appearance of free will.”

    “There's a war out there, old friend. A world war. And it's not about who's got the most bullets. It's about who controls the information. What we see and hear, how we work, what we think... it's all about the information!”


    ***SMILE, BE HAPPY***

  8. #1058
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by struth View Post
    no bother.. was watching his Navara Review earlier today.
    Cool !!, hes a bit brutal at times .but a genuinely funny guy. Hid grandad was in the Royal Engineers at time of D Day and his granny was Austrian and a teenager in the Luftwaffe ,during the war.
    They met during and married after the war
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  9. #1059
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

    Default

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  10. #1060
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Southampton, United Kingdom

    Posts: 619
    I'm Paul.

    Default

    Linn Sondek LP12, Ittok, AT-F7
    Schiit Mani MK1 Phono Pre-Amp
    Nobsound NS-08P Bluetooth pre-amp
    Marantz CD5004 CD Player
    Pure DAB tuner
    2 x Meridian 205 monoblock power amps
    Tannoy T225 "Mayfair" speakers
    www.paulridgeblog.com

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