Jokes & Funnies

[Firebottle]

Too right Peter, too close to the truth

[walpurgis]

[Stratmangler]

[Oddball]

[struth]

Lol

[Firebottle]

It would be funny if someone also fitted a small bomb. Adams = c**t, but not useful.

[Marco]

Ha - that applies to the hot air spouted by ANY politician, especially if they're Tory - and they also spout shit from the other end!

Bring on SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE - the sooner, the better!!

Marco.

[dave2010]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
Next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.
He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!!"
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

[Oddball]

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS"

[Oddball]

Toyah Wilcox and Jonathan Ross break into a distillery.

Jonathan asks "Is this whisky?"
Toyah replies "Yeth, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"